he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
