I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
