oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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