i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
