you would pick up someone in the library
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
