nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
