Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
