Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
