Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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