Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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