Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize