Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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