You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
