I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Randomize
