i need an iv and a liver transplant
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
