Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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