so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
