Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
