I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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