and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
