I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
