it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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