I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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