my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think my moral compass just broke
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
