everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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