dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
