Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
