dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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