there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
