need another drink. this is the easiest way
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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