Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want a musical about memes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
