i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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