Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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