i can't believe i had my finger in that
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
