"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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