is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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