If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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