so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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