i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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