it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I just sharted jello shots
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
