I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
