I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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