Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
