You're earring is so big in my mouth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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