i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
