I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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