I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
