Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
