I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
