it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
