I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
