Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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