the condom got lost in my hair
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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