I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize