Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
