The maid of honor just puked.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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