Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
