So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
