his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
