My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
