dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
