Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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