The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
