respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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