How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Let's paint friendship bongs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
