i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
