He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
