Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
