Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize