Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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