U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
