Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize