____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
