Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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