I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
